Toothpicks
by Kinners
Summary: I hate Palpatine. I REALLY hate Palpatine.


Okay, I suppose this piece needs some explaining.

Of all the characters in all the fandoms I've ever participated in or contributed to, Emperor Palpatine is the one that I hate _**THE MOST.** _Not even kidding. Hate his guts. So some friends of mine decided to put the two of us in a demented coupling together. Whenever it comes up I fly into a rage-a rage that most of you guys, if you've even read my other stuff, have not seen me in.

So I wrote this-my response to that horror show of a ship. Written from the perspective of my Clone Wars OC, Kailaa Revan, also found in my one-shot Revan's Avenger. It's kinda old, but the feeling is still fresh. If you know her at all, then you know that she represents the part of me that is prone to anger management issues.

Ye have been warned.

* * *

Though Naboo was said to be one of the most beautiful planets in the system, I was feeling anything but romantic.

Don't get me wrong, the night was perfect-the sky was perfect clarity, and a summer breeze blew my robust auburn hair about me and kept me warm in the slightly chilly night. I stood on a balcony overlooking a calm ocean, its waters shimmering with starlight though the moon was dark tonight. My hand absently came to rest on a vine, a purple flower sticking up between my thumb and forefinger. In any other possible situation I would've smiled at it, actually enjoyed this blasted planet. But there was a caveat to this seemingly beautiful scene.

"Lovely, isn't it?" croaked an ancient voice that had vainly attempted to sound loving. The flower perished as I clenched my fist. From behind me shone a nauseating light of infatuation, so gaudy it made me squint. I suppressed a vicious snarl as stringy arms were put around me. Behind the draping sleeves I felt skin and bone and sinew, anything but pleasant. Especially when you considered my flaming hatred for this vampire. No, really, he's a vampire. I've seen him bite people, but only because he was foolish enough to let me too close to him personally. Don't believe me? Your loss.

"I suppose," I drawled, trying to keep the venom out of my voice. Oh, and prevent myself from spontaneously combusting. He didn't notice my barely-suppressed outrage anyway, and I thanked the lucky stars that glimmered above me. In order for this to work, not a sign could get through. I strained not to grit my teeth, not to swear at him, not to break his back over the balcony and toss his worthless corpse over into the abyss-

No. I had a plan, and I would stick to it. I couldn't risk his survival. Because that _always_ happened.

"Lord Sidious..," I began, sounding innocent. My face nervously fell, and I allowed myself to tense up slightly. He bought the whole thing. Man, that vampire must've been desperate!

"Yes, dear?" he crooned. If I had been feeling sorry for him for what was about to happen, those feelings vanished at the tone in his voice. How dare he molest a daughter of Revan? My force sense tweaked-I knew it was time. But I cruelly let his anticipation hang in the still night air for a moment, waiting for the right moment to shatter him.

Now.

"Eat laser, bloodsucker!" I yowled sharply, swiftly turning and shoving him backwards and away from me. I saw his eyes betray shock and mild horror for but a moment before a green lightsaber skewered him straight through the torso. Then it was mild shock and complete, utter horror. A mask loomed over him, white and terrible, with two sunken yellow eyes like what you might find on a dragon. I couldn't help myself. I chuckled with glee, though I'm sure the sound must have unnerved either my comrade or my prey. Possibly both.

Grievous let the vampire's corpse fall to the ground, and I walked over next to where he lay. He was still alive, I could tell-not only did his eyes blaze still with betrayal and hatred, but as aforementioned, he was a vampire. He wouldn't be dead quite yet, of course. But I'd been prepared. I slipped a toothpick out of my sleeve.

"Oh, and just to be sure of you," I said casually, levitating the splinter in front of me with the force. Gazing at it for half a heartbeat, a thrust of my hand sent it sinking into Sidious's chest, all the way through, straight through his heart. The lightsaber hole simmered in his midsection, a lethal shot to anyone besides him. He gasped a little at its impact, looking up at Grievous, who tried to glare. But I could feel lingering fear in the cyborg, and I didn't blame him-Palpatine was attracted to me because I was one of trillions who didn't cower from him.

"I should've known," he coughed, and I relished the sight of the dark stain where I'd impaled him with a toothpick and the sound of his wet cough as he hacked up more blood. "You were too close to her for your own good."

"No. _You_ were too close to her for your own good." retorted Grievous. I smiled at him sincerely, though he was too busy hatefully burning yet another hole into Palpatine with his eyes.

"You will pay for this. All of you. My death will not go unavenged. I will get back at you someday, and you will die as I did, with suffering and betrayal and-"

"Oh, Palpa Dear," I sang. He quieted immediately, looking up at me as if expecting an order. I wondered if his obedience was because of his foolish affection or wise subservience to a greater power. It didn't matter either way.

"Shut up!" I roared suddenly. All of it came out of me then, the unquenchable hatred festering since I was falsely apprenticed to him, the dark side he had been trying to goad out of me-and it wasn't pretty. Using the force to rigidly stand him up, I thrust him out and away from me over the open water. As he collided with the stone guard rail and shattered it into raining debris, I heard the satisfying crack of his spine, but I kept him soaring out into the open air. When he was barely an inch tall from where I saw him, my fist clenched. What used to be a Sith Lord was crumpled into a ball of crushed hopes and bones, my temples pounding with the red haze of bloodlust. But bloodlust takes a lot out of you, no matter how black your hate. Letting my hand drop limply to my side, the black wad of vampire fell, unfolding like the tattered old rag he was and was meant to be, until I saw it splash face-first into the unforgiving depths of the ocean.

I turned and exhaled a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. The adrenaline faded from me. It was over, and now I had to clean up after that sorry old vampire. I opened my eyes to see Grievous backed almost completely out of the balcony. Mother of Malak, he shone like a rainbow strobe light. At my gaze, he froze in terror of my wrath, but I smiled wearily and walked up next to him. He didn't dare move, not even to back away from this dark side demon that had vanquished the all-powerful Darth Sidious.

"At ease, soldier," I greeted him sarcastically. "I'm not going to eat you. I can tell you still don't trust me."

"Think of it more as a healthy respect for you," he defended himself as he walked after me. I eased up myself as his fear's glare dimmed to a normal level. The halls of Sidious's winter home were darkened, as it was two in the morning, local time. But since we'd arrived from Coruscant via a short bout of hyperspace travel, nobody was asleep very deeply, including Sidious's right-hand man. I suspected he was awakened by the death throes of his master, but it didn't matter how he suddenly appeared in front of us, flinging open the door with an urgency that was laughable. Grievous started slightly, but I had known he was approaching the entire time and didn't react.

"Dooku?" rasped the cyborg next to me. I coolly regarded the elderly count, though he was anything but cool. More like brighter than a desperate searchlight.

"Grievous? Kailaa? Where's Darth Sidious?" he blurted. I breezily walked past him, though my next word gave him a seizure.

"Dead." I reported.

"What!?" he shrieked, reaching an octave higher than I thought he could get, him being a solid baritone. I smirked at his surprise.

"Yes, he's gone," I mused, walking into my quarters. Sidious had lavishly decorated the room in shades of rouge and magenta-I loathed the room. I decided I would sleep on the couch tonight, whirling out the door and into the living room. "Thank Revan he's finally dead! It was nice and painful for him, too. He was probably attempting to wail in agony, but I was too bloodrushed to pay attention. And I don't think his vocal chords would work anymore anyway after what I did to him. You should've seen it!"

"You...you _killed_ him?" gasped Dooku, following me in a stupor. Grievous had retired to his own room, wherever that was. I was busy arranging the throw pillows and the lone afghan. I collapsed on the sofa, luxuriously stretching under the blanket like a cat by the fireplace. When I noticed Dooku was still there, staring at me with eyes wider than planets, I stared blankly back at him for a while. Then I remembered that he'd asked me a question.

"Oh. Yeah, I killed him. No biggie, really." I responded.

"How can you say that!?" he demanded.

"Because he's dead and it's over with. No use beating a dead shaak, is there?"

"But-"

"That he was."

"You're completely acting like-"

"A child? News flash, dinosaur, that's what I am."

"I can't believe you did that!"

"What, you don't think you've outgrown your Daddy Darth?" I snarled suddenly, tiring of this conversation. I wanted to sleep, and it's hard to do that when you've got a nagging Tyrannosaurus poking you. "Well, boo hoo! Why don't you go cry yourself to sleep before I claw your eyes out!?"

At my outburst, he vanished abruptly. Glad to have some peace, I made myself comfortable, putting a throw pillow over my head and cuddling another one. But I didn't sleep for a long time. Had I done the right thing? Would Dad be proud of me? Well, of course he would. I'd rid the galaxy of a plague that they didn't know was there. At peace, I slid off to sleep.


End file.
